You’ll never be alone.

Everyone on the planet is united by a single common element; lifeblood.

life·blood

noun \ˈlīf-ˈbləd, –ˌbləd\

1  :  the most important part of something, a vital or life-giving force or component : the part of something that provides its strength and energy
2  :  blood regarded as the reason of existence
 
In the literal sense it’s the liquid that circulates the heart, capillaries, arteries and veins providing oxygen and as implied, life. For all intensive purposes of this post we’re speaking in regards to the figurative lifeblood; the most important part of something, the life-giving force of strength. Strength is something I find myself asking for every day and night and without fail I am provided. I haven’t always been willing to be dependent, it’s easier to live in arrogance and walk alone with pride.  Alas, it seems the occurrence of devastating changes in one’s life is the time to admit you cannot walk alone.
When it seems like every road you're on
“So when it seems like every road you’re on has hit a dead end
There is hope
Let me show
I’m the street lights that guide you home
I’ll be the G.P.S when you’ve lost your phone
I’ll be the song that’s rockin’ in your headphones
I’ll show you the signs
To let you know
You’ll never be alone.”
-Capital Kings, You’ll Never Be Alone
The component of vitality in myself and my family is the same now that it has always been, but not until we gave way under the stress of the world did we truly enjoy or fully trust our source of lifeblood, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I’ve had a somewhat laissez-faire attitude of gratitude towards my saving grace over the years. I grew up in the church as per the norm; I attained the rite of admission into His kingdom through baptism, spent years attending Mass each sunday and catechism as follows, received the sacrament at First Holy Communion and each Sunday thereon after, was sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit through Confirmation, obtained divine mercy for my sins many times over through Penance, and have accepted the consecration of my Marriage in the presence of the Lord. My religious practices are standard, the problem that lies within ‘standard’ is simple, a routine practice of God’s love is not enough to carry you through hard times.
Throughout my existence my relationship has been textbook; sleep, eat, breath, sin, repent, repeat.
 My life as a practicing Roman Catholic has provided me with personal mentors, excellent educators and a solid structure. There are rules, and as a child, mother, and wife I relate to and appreciate them. There are conditions; it’s sort of like a club, you must accept and fulfill the sacraments, there are seven and you can’t skip ahead. There’s endless blessings of strong community to lend support and prayer with Saints and Angels to protect your every move. Most importantly, there is salvation. You may notice a brief hint of skepticism in my words and consider that maybe I’m doubtful of organized religion, in certain aspects I am, but mostly I am not. As I see it, a lifetime of Catholicism provides me with exceptional building blocks for substantial understanding of the teachings of the Lord and equips me with unwavering devotion to God through rights and rituals. So at the young age of 26 why do I already feel subdued by the confines of my routine?
“Sometimes life is an ocean
We’re just trying to flow
We get caught in slow motion
From the undertow”
-Capital Kings, You’ll Never Be Alone
Let’s Backtrack:
My husband and I got married after he concluded a year of classes through our parish called RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). It was through RCIA that he received the first five sacraments necessary for us to be married in Gods eyes.  Remember I said there are conditions, Jacob wasn’t raised in the faith and therefore needed to learn how to be a man of The Lord within the Catholic Church to take one of Gods children as his wife. The week we returned from our month-long cross-country-honeymoon, a sweet girl from my boxing gym invited me to a Non-denominational Christian women’s Bible study. I remember being asked by the group leader if I was Christian.  First off, I was mildly offended that my ‘years of servitude’ hadn’t been duly noticed and second I found it vapid to ask someone who was willingly attending a bible study such a useless question.  I instantly replied “I’m Roman Catholic, so that would be a yes.”  Brash I know, allow me to defend my condescending response; in the past two hours I had heard most of the girls use verbiage such as: Christ, our savior, Jesus, our maker, the enemy, satan, and a slew of other terms that didn’t regularly or comfortably egress my lips outside of Sunday service, but for these women it was as natural as peanut butter and jelly. I was insecure and intimidated. These “bible study babes” as the Facebook group was named were what I referred to as “bible thumper’s” and though it was a welcoming experience, it was overwhelming.
I believe God intervenes at just the right moments, everything always seems to run its course but then the world falls to pieces and just as you feel you have to give up you see a light in the darkness that is your saving grace.
I continued to attend the large group bible study of twenty or so, twenty something year old women but shortly after joining I withdrew to move to New York City. We returned to California the following year after the birth of our son Joseph. During the time that I was away the Bible study dwindled to a quaint women’s fellowship group of about ten ladies and switched gears from learning The Word of the Lord to reading Christian authored books. Never fear, we kept our swanky Facebook group name as Bible Study Babes because let’s face it, it’s downright adorable. In one of the earlier fellowship get-togethers I was asked “Do you know God?” Again, What a stupid question to ask someone who regularly attends mass and bible study, I responded “Yes I’m cradle Catholic, I’ve known Him all my life.” Secretly I was put off by such an absurd question. She responded by saying “What I mean is, do you have a close daily relationship with God and Jesus?” I thought hard on what seemed like such an easy question to answer and replied “Yes, I pray every night.” At that moment I had an inherent distrust, I was insecure because it felt that she could see through me as though I was transparent. If she could read me than she would learn that I was apprehensive of fully giving my love and getting to know Him. I was hesitant to let my guard down to the group but I was compelled to stay because something instinctively drew me to these women.
I’ve come to realize it was an easy question,  I knew God but we were less acquainted than I was willing to admit.
Prayer. How do you pray? Do you recite a prayer, do you speak from the heart in private bedside prayer? I do both, neither is of higher value than the other because they each have their own functionality. What I noticed through the Bible Study Babes was that I knew and loved God but I was afraid. I was afraid to let myself adore Him because I was self-conscious that others would find out how much I cared and caring is a sign of weakness. On the unlikely Sundays that women’s fellowship wasn’t running over the three-hour mark we would close the group in circle prayer. After finishing up our weekly reading we would each have the opportunity to request prayer for our deepest needs, we were then to sit in a circle and consecutively pray aloud for the neighbor to our right. In prayer circle was when I recognized that I couldn’t find the courage to free flow prayer aloud, even after I had already known what I was to be praying for. Words could be forced but there was no fluidity, in order to move forward I needed to break down and let go of my fear of feeling. It took time and trust but as more personal connections were made among the women outside of group we all felt more connected through Christ within our study time. So many tears, fears and heartbreak have been shared in our safe place of worship, finding that solitude was what helped me break through my own biggest enemy which has always been the doubts I have in myself, and in that I found my voice. With God I don’t reside in fear or doubt because I have trust and hope; trust that He will always be with me to carry me through good and bad, and hope that what God can do in my life is bigger than any of my fears.
“Sometimes the path to choose
Is right in front of you
You just gotta let go
I’m the street lights that guide you home
I’ll be the G.P.S when you’ve lost your phone
I’ll be the song that’s rockin’ in your headphones
I’ll show you the signs
To let you know
You’ll never be alone.”
-Capital Kings, You’ll Never Be Alone
Understanding the reason of our existence isn’t simple, there isn’t always a clear answer of which path to choose but faith shows you that the lifeblood, our life-giving force, will give you all the answers you need in His timing if you just  let go and let God.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
-A special thanks to Capital Kings for their inspiring song “You’ll never be alone.”
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15 comments

  1. Very well spoken! I love your heart and it radiates through your words! Your honesty and openness really spoke to my heart. It was a joy to read and I’m so looking forward to reading more from you! Blessings to you, Love! 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you, Tai. It’s hard to be vulnerable, especially online where people can twist your words or anonymously respond maliciously after you’ve poured your heart out. I journaled this letter over the past two weeks and was very anxious to start a new blog about my personal life and post it but I prayed and came across scripture about Jesus’ desire for us to evangelize the word even if we are afraid and that gave me courage.
      God Bless,
      Katie Bonzer

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are very welcome, Lovely! And trust me, I understand exactly what you mean. I’ve had people criticize my writing style, tell me that I only used cherry picked Scriptures, that my work was only a watered down version of The Word, and the list goes on. The surprising and most hurtful thing is all of my negative emails and comments have come from other “Christians”, which I don’t understand because though we all have different gifts we’re supposed to be working towards the same goal. I really feel that I shouldn’t have to defend loving and caring about people because that is what GOD truly wants from us.

        Anyways, that was my rant for the day. LOL!

        My advice would be to keep writing what GOD has instilled in your heart to write because the hearts that HE intended to be captured by your words will be. To me the more vulnerable the more beautiful because that truly displays the power of GOD at work in our lives. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NOG- But HE told me: “MY kindness is all you need. MY power is strongest when you are weak.”. So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that CHRIST’S power will live in me. Therefore, I accept weakness, mistreatment, hardship, persecution, and difficulties suffered for CHRIST. It’s clear that when I’m weak, I’m strong.)

        We will be criticized and sometimes even mistreated, but just remember that your strength and your peace comes from JESUS HIMSELF. You can do this! I’m already a fan of yours and I’m so excited to see the greatness that GOD is going to allow to be displayed through you! Infinite love, peace, strength, and blessings to you, my friend! (Song of Songs 4:7 NIV- You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts, it’s hard to be honest about your faith in a word of negativity.

    “And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.” Isaiah 6:8 ESV

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